My Daddy went to Heaven...

May 18th, 2009...My Dad....commited suicide.

I dont even know where to begin this..my heart is broken and apart of me is gone forever.
My Dad was an amazing man with an amazing addiction. He fought a long battle and it finally ended on that Monday morning. I could tell you about that day and i could tell you about the weeks prior that showed signs of this about to happen i could tell you his life story that proved his depression but i cant. I go through it so many times in my mind, i mean over and over and over. It consumes my mind, i am mentally exhausted. There have even been times, many, where i feel as if i would do anything to be with him again. I have even had the urge to start cutting again, i worry that one day if i get to far into my "world" that i seep into when i think about him ending his life...that...maybe i would take mine to and nobody would be there to stop me.

Luckily i have an amazing husband, two amazing children an amazing church and an amazing group of friends, my mom and my grandmother are also so much apart of my life so for all this i am eternally grateful. I miss my Dad so much it hurts. We had alot of hard times but i loved him something crazy, i mean there was always a spot in my heart where he belonged...i never talked to him about his addiction because i didnt want him to think i thought any less of him. I guess i thought he was invincible. The last time i tried talking to him about his salvation was in the summer of 2003 in Cancun. We were on a cruise and he was so far gone...i was crying....i dont remember the whole conversation but i said "Dad, have you prayed about this?" he said "i talk to God all the time but he never talks back.." I said, "Dad, you're not listening". My Dad had struggled with alcohol for 40 years...and when i found out what he had done i immediately blamed myself. I gave up on him, i prayed for him, i never stopped praying for him, but i guess i thought God would take care of it and convict him enough to stop. Now i am convicted..how could i have let this happen, how can i continue to let this happen? I can no longer hide these words in my heart. If i can get it together enough to speak to people and tell them my story, to tell them about my Dad's life and what he went through and how he ended his battle destroying his little girls heart and through it all i have kept my faith...if through all that i could save just one person..it would be worth it.

I use to minister in Jails through singing and God is laying it on my heart to start this mission again...i am finding words to songs in my head that wont go away, i think people need to hear these songs... My prayer is that God will use me...and i will not turn my head and i will not hide these words any longer but cry out in conviction and dedication.

I am ready Lord. Use me. Amen.