May 18th, 2009...My Dad....commited suicide.
I dont even know where to begin this..my heart is broken and apart of me is gone forever.
My Dad was an amazing man with an amazing addiction. He fought a long battle and it finally ended on that Monday morning. I could tell you about that day and i could tell you about the weeks prior that showed signs of this about to happen i could tell you his life story that proved his depression but i cant. I go through it so many times in my mind, i mean over and over and over. It consumes my mind, i am mentally exhausted. There have even been times, many, where i feel as if i would do anything to be with him again. I have even had the urge to start cutting again, i worry that one day if i get to far into my "world" that i seep into when i think about him ending his life...that...maybe i would take mine to and nobody would be there to stop me.
Luckily i have an amazing husband, two amazing children an amazing church and an amazing group of friends, my mom and my grandmother are also so much apart of my life so for all this i am eternally grateful. I miss my Dad so much it hurts. We had alot of hard times but i loved him something crazy, i mean there was always a spot in my heart where he belonged...i never talked to him about his addiction because i didnt want him to think i thought any less of him. I guess i thought he was invincible. The last time i tried talking to him about his salvation was in the summer of 2003 in Cancun. We were on a cruise and he was so far gone...i was crying....i dont remember the whole conversation but i said "Dad, have you prayed about this?" he said "i talk to God all the time but he never talks back.." I said, "Dad, you're not listening". My Dad had struggled with alcohol for 40 years...and when i found out what he had done i immediately blamed myself. I gave up on him, i prayed for him, i never stopped praying for him, but i guess i thought God would take care of it and convict him enough to stop. Now i am convicted..how could i have let this happen, how can i continue to let this happen? I can no longer hide these words in my heart. If i can get it together enough to speak to people and tell them my story, to tell them about my Dad's life and what he went through and how he ended his battle destroying his little girls heart and through it all i have kept my faith...if through all that i could save just one person..it would be worth it.
I use to minister in Jails through singing and God is laying it on my heart to start this mission again...i am finding words to songs in my head that wont go away, i think people need to hear these songs... My prayer is that God will use me...and i will not turn my head and i will not hide these words any longer but cry out in conviction and dedication.
I am ready Lord. Use me. Amen.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I just had a baby....
Ok so...i remember after I had Audrey, (like when she was 6 months old) I was still telling myself, "Well I just had a baby" on why i didn't look like i did pre-pregnancy... And I just looked at my calendar this morning and Presley will be 11 weeks old tomorrow..and i have been giving myself the same excuse on why i did not feel like working out. However, i have to tell myself..who really does feel like working out? But when you get started and then once it's over, you feel SO GOOD!
Another realization... i need to lose 49 pounds to be at my pre pregnancy weight, actually my pre-pre pregnancy weight as in 2 kids ago lol. I have to realize this isn't going to happen over night and that it can be done, no matter what my silly brain tells me. I am making a vow to myself to not get neurotic about this and hold myself accountable to working out 2 times a week at Sedona...just 2...and if i do more GREAT! I like Sedona because it's only for women and i don't feel like people are watching me work out! I will go super early before my hubby and kids wake up so that i will be home just in time to cook and clean and do all my motherly duties without missing a beat...because...i am Super Mom :D Yeah right!
Another realization... i need to lose 49 pounds to be at my pre pregnancy weight, actually my pre-pre pregnancy weight as in 2 kids ago lol. I have to realize this isn't going to happen over night and that it can be done, no matter what my silly brain tells me. I am making a vow to myself to not get neurotic about this and hold myself accountable to working out 2 times a week at Sedona...just 2...and if i do more GREAT! I like Sedona because it's only for women and i don't feel like people are watching me work out! I will go super early before my hubby and kids wake up so that i will be home just in time to cook and clean and do all my motherly duties without missing a beat...because...i am Super Mom :D Yeah right!
Friday, April 24, 2009
It's been a day...or two...
So let's see...where to begin... I am so excited about life! I wonder how i could posibly be in this situation but i really am!! Things could be so much worse, especially with a negative attitude! As i mentioned earlier, Peyton was suppose to start his 2nd job on Sunday but his boss called him this morning and asked if he could work 12 hours today! Rock on! It takes him almost 3 hours at Uhaul to make 1 hour at Smith but hey it's money!
The second week we started going to C3 GOD really laid it on our heart to start tithing and we did, and for the first time in my whole life i am not bitter about it! I realize that is GOD's money, not ours! Then after we were tithing for a couple weeks some of our friends reminded us we needed to tithe BEFORE taxes and insurance. This makes sense so this is what we are doing. It's crazy cause even when we had plenty of money, even in savings, i couldn't tithe whole heartedly, but now, i am EXCITED when that pay check comes through to say "Here you go!!!" :D
So bye bye milk supply.... i am so sad it makes me want to cry! I got on medicine for a sinus infection and it has almost completely dried up all of my milk. I have to take it though because when i get sinus infections i get vertigo..have to take care of my kids so vertigo is not allowed! I have a couple months worth of my breast milk stored in a deep freezer but after that he will be on formula..i hate formula because as soon as we switch Audrey to formula she started spitting up ALL THE TIME!! And it smells SO awful, and have you ever tasted it??? BLAH!!!! And of course i will miss looking...busty all the time, lol, not that i have a problem in that area but you know once you have kids certain things...just don't look like they did when you were 18. Gosh i wish i had the money to get a tummy tuck, lipo and a boob job! Is that bad? Am i super vain for wanting that? :(
Anywho, my husband proposed to me again....i told him i made some taco soup in the crock pot that would make him want to marry me all over again, so he laughingly took it to work but just called me on his lunch break and proposed! We are so silly and get excited over such silly things! So much different then 5 years ago before we had kids! I am going to a ladies night at church this Sunday to watch a movie called "Esther" and have a casserole swap and i CAN'T WAIT! 5 years ago a casserole swap?? Are you kidding me?? Ha, some things do change!
The second week we started going to C3 GOD really laid it on our heart to start tithing and we did, and for the first time in my whole life i am not bitter about it! I realize that is GOD's money, not ours! Then after we were tithing for a couple weeks some of our friends reminded us we needed to tithe BEFORE taxes and insurance. This makes sense so this is what we are doing. It's crazy cause even when we had plenty of money, even in savings, i couldn't tithe whole heartedly, but now, i am EXCITED when that pay check comes through to say "Here you go!!!" :D
So bye bye milk supply.... i am so sad it makes me want to cry! I got on medicine for a sinus infection and it has almost completely dried up all of my milk. I have to take it though because when i get sinus infections i get vertigo..have to take care of my kids so vertigo is not allowed! I have a couple months worth of my breast milk stored in a deep freezer but after that he will be on formula..i hate formula because as soon as we switch Audrey to formula she started spitting up ALL THE TIME!! And it smells SO awful, and have you ever tasted it??? BLAH!!!! And of course i will miss looking...busty all the time, lol, not that i have a problem in that area but you know once you have kids certain things...just don't look like they did when you were 18. Gosh i wish i had the money to get a tummy tuck, lipo and a boob job! Is that bad? Am i super vain for wanting that? :(
Anywho, my husband proposed to me again....i told him i made some taco soup in the crock pot that would make him want to marry me all over again, so he laughingly took it to work but just called me on his lunch break and proposed! We are so silly and get excited over such silly things! So much different then 5 years ago before we had kids! I am going to a ladies night at church this Sunday to watch a movie called "Esther" and have a casserole swap and i CAN'T WAIT! 5 years ago a casserole swap?? Are you kidding me?? Ha, some things do change!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Forgot one thing...
How in the world could i have left anything out in that novel? Well i have to go in and add this because it is so amazing! Just before Audrey was about to go in to have the nerve grafting surgery we woke up one morning and low and behold our little angel was reaching up at us with BOTH arms! We took her to the pediatrician...he couldn't believe it and said he had NEVER seen this..the only thing he could come up with was that "Someone upstairs was watching over this little girl"...It was amazing to hear this "proffessional doctor" not know how to explain something and to "blame it on GOD". Thank you Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
In the beginning.....
So i guess i am going to start a blog..after all...all my friends are doing it, lol! Gosh i think i write "Lol" to much, i have almost said it outloud several times because i type it so much, boy, THAT would have been embarrassing!
So many new things in my life...so many struggles but so many good things too.
When i was in 9th grade i was diagnosed with Menere's Disease. A disease of the inner ear that effects your hearing and your equilibrium. The side effects are dibilitating. Violent vertigo, vomiting, confusion, short term memory loss , tinnitus and ultimately the worst..hearing loss. I struggled with this for so long. It was so bad my faith began to diminish. The neurologist told me i should never try to have kids that it would be too risky. At the time, i couldn't have cared less as i have never been a kid person! I was a single child who was very independant. However..i got married to a man who loves kids, i mean adores them! So..8 months into our marriage i found out i was pregnant. I was shocked..but a little excited to. From the moment i got the "Yes, you are pregnant" from the doctor i started buying everything pink i could possibly get my hands on and by the time i was 20 weeks along the baby's room looked like Pepto Bismol! LUCKILY, it was in fact a girl. I was very sick during my pregnancy with the menere's disease. I was on bed rest for most part of my pregnancy and gained 85 lbs in those 9 months. I FREAKING ATE NICOLE RICHIE PEOPLE!!!!! I was in the hospital for 2 weeks prior to being induced. Audrey was 9 lbs. 4 ounces. I had to have a level 4 episiotomy to get the porker out and the doc pulled her out by her arm causing her to have Brachial Plexia. She could not move her left arm and it had to be kept in a sling to prevent further nerve dammage. For the first 3 months of her life she went to therapy twice a week. This was not cheap but luckily we did have good insurance. At 2 1/2 months old she went to a specialist to talk about nerve grafting surgery where they would cut her neck open and place nerves from her neck into her shoulder so that she could have use of her arm. This was very scary for us. A short while later i had some blood tests done at the OB's office. I was tired all the time and could hardly function. Audrey was very collicky and my husband worked nights so i thought it could just be from all the sleepless nights i laid there alone with my screaming baby. However...there was something wrong...my doctor called personally and said i had to get into the Endocrinologist for further bloodwork. That was done, then i had a PET scan. I found out i had Thyroid cancer. I was 22. I was alone almost all of the time because Peyton worked constantly, i had menere's disease and a collicky baby. I thought i was going to lose my mind. Every day was a blur. I had to go through radiation treatments and my daughter even had to stay with my mom for two weeks so that she did not come in contact with the radiation. I was so depressed and felt so hopeless...but i found something that helped...cutting. I found that i could cut myself, watch myself bleed and feel better...emotionally. It doesn't make sense at all...but i was sick. Physically and mentally. I finally went to my doctor after being in the ER for almost having a heart attack (literally) and i was put on Lexapro. BEST thing ever! However..to control the vertigo spells i was also on Valium, so the combination left me very...calm...i guess you could say. Which was a great contrast to my high strung spirit that kept me so anxious and depressed. Now to shorten this up some...i am cancer free as of June of 2007. I still get checked every year and had one two weeks ago and everything is still great. Ok so fast forward to the past couple of months...I found out i was pregnant with our second child in July of 2008. I was happy, i knew that we would have two kids and left it to GOD to decide when we should. Almost immediatly after finding out i went cold turkey off of the Lexapro and the Valium. The doc said i would have withdrawls and that even my family would be pretty miserable for that first month. But i didn't have any withdrawls..the menere's just flared up really bad. This went on through out my whole pregnancy putting me in and out of the hospital. I found out at 6months i had gestational diabetes. And at 34 1/2 weeks i went into labor i had a c-section later that day. Presley came into the world at 8lbs. 13 ounces. He was very sick. I got to kiss him once before they swept him away to the neonatal ICU where he would spend the first 6 1/2 weeks of his life. The details on this would take me an hour to write, but needless to say at 6 1/2 weeks old he got to come home and he is doing very well. The doctors say he will have no issues from what he has been through and we have nothing to worry about. He is now 12 lbs. 13 ounces, we call him "Bruiser", the nurses gave him this nick name in the hospital because compared to all the other tiny babies in there he looked like a giant! My kids are the world to me and it is them that have kept me going. I am recieving more natural treatment now for the Menere's disease and so far have not had any vertigo attacks in almost 2 1/2 months. PRAISE GOD!
Notice i did not mention GOD to much in the first bit of this LOOOOOOONG blog, (i promise they won't always be this long..) I guess i thought he wasn't there, like where did HE go? Why is HE letting me go through this? Doesn't HE know i cannot handle all of this? It seemed like everytime i turn around something else is happening, i live with a rain cloud over me and it was effecting my family as well. Don't even ask me why my husband is still with me! Even now after having our son home things are very, very hard. Peyton works in the oil industry for a company called Smith International. A very respected company. For 4 years now he has excelled there. With the economy in distress they have had two major layoffs, he has managed to make it through but for 4 years he has worked 58-80 hours a week...they cut the remaining guys down to 40...now just 32. They lost there yearly pay increase and raised the cost of health insurance. He starts his second job this weekend but even working there part time will only equal up to what it would be if he was working 40 at Smith. SO when he gets his paycheck this Friday...it MIGHT cover our rent...everything else....not so sure how it will be handled.
When i was a little girl i watched my dad drive away as i sat on the front porch crying and begging my mom to love him. My mom allowed me to see him every other weekend. I knew he was an alcoholic but didn't know the extent. For the next 10 years i would watch him get drunk, pass out, beat his new wife up until both of them were bleeding and to tired to fight anymore. I was never scared though...i always felt a presence of peace. Even sitting in a corner with my ears covered up or yelling and crying for them to please stop, after the adrenelin passed, i could sleep in peace.
You see, through all of this, God was always there. He never left me, i left him. I ignored that peaceful feeling wondering how I could make things "ok". And so it goes that everything i have been through in my 24 years of life i am finally letting go and trusting completely in HIM. I do not know why things happen or even know HOW they will turn out but i know even if we lose our house, our car, our dignity...we still have each other and we still have our FAITH. GOD IS IN CONTROL. I truely believe everything happens for a reason..even if we can't see it at the time. Though my husband nor i have a very big family GOD has blessed us with the most amazing friends any family could ask for. And just recently we have found a new church family that leaves us anticipating going back every Sunday, every time to church doors are open for that matter! It has been a while since either one of us has felt that. We met at church and continued to go to that church for years only because we felt an obligation..we knew we should be at church but couldn't wait to get out and go to lunch! We are finding fullfillment in the LORD and searching for ways to please him.
My prayer is to pray through him and not just go to him at the end of the day but to talk about everything with him throughout the day. I want to be a better me. A better wife and a better mom. I worry about these things everyday but all the while my main concern should be to become closer to HIM, everything else will fall into place.
This has been the longest blog ever, ("LOL"). But this is the beginning...this is me....
So many new things in my life...so many struggles but so many good things too.
When i was in 9th grade i was diagnosed with Menere's Disease. A disease of the inner ear that effects your hearing and your equilibrium. The side effects are dibilitating. Violent vertigo, vomiting, confusion, short term memory loss , tinnitus and ultimately the worst..hearing loss. I struggled with this for so long. It was so bad my faith began to diminish. The neurologist told me i should never try to have kids that it would be too risky. At the time, i couldn't have cared less as i have never been a kid person! I was a single child who was very independant. However..i got married to a man who loves kids, i mean adores them! So..8 months into our marriage i found out i was pregnant. I was shocked..but a little excited to. From the moment i got the "Yes, you are pregnant" from the doctor i started buying everything pink i could possibly get my hands on and by the time i was 20 weeks along the baby's room looked like Pepto Bismol! LUCKILY, it was in fact a girl. I was very sick during my pregnancy with the menere's disease. I was on bed rest for most part of my pregnancy and gained 85 lbs in those 9 months. I FREAKING ATE NICOLE RICHIE PEOPLE!!!!! I was in the hospital for 2 weeks prior to being induced. Audrey was 9 lbs. 4 ounces. I had to have a level 4 episiotomy to get the porker out and the doc pulled her out by her arm causing her to have Brachial Plexia. She could not move her left arm and it had to be kept in a sling to prevent further nerve dammage. For the first 3 months of her life she went to therapy twice a week. This was not cheap but luckily we did have good insurance. At 2 1/2 months old she went to a specialist to talk about nerve grafting surgery where they would cut her neck open and place nerves from her neck into her shoulder so that she could have use of her arm. This was very scary for us. A short while later i had some blood tests done at the OB's office. I was tired all the time and could hardly function. Audrey was very collicky and my husband worked nights so i thought it could just be from all the sleepless nights i laid there alone with my screaming baby. However...there was something wrong...my doctor called personally and said i had to get into the Endocrinologist for further bloodwork. That was done, then i had a PET scan. I found out i had Thyroid cancer. I was 22. I was alone almost all of the time because Peyton worked constantly, i had menere's disease and a collicky baby. I thought i was going to lose my mind. Every day was a blur. I had to go through radiation treatments and my daughter even had to stay with my mom for two weeks so that she did not come in contact with the radiation. I was so depressed and felt so hopeless...but i found something that helped...cutting. I found that i could cut myself, watch myself bleed and feel better...emotionally. It doesn't make sense at all...but i was sick. Physically and mentally. I finally went to my doctor after being in the ER for almost having a heart attack (literally) and i was put on Lexapro. BEST thing ever! However..to control the vertigo spells i was also on Valium, so the combination left me very...calm...i guess you could say. Which was a great contrast to my high strung spirit that kept me so anxious and depressed. Now to shorten this up some...i am cancer free as of June of 2007. I still get checked every year and had one two weeks ago and everything is still great. Ok so fast forward to the past couple of months...I found out i was pregnant with our second child in July of 2008. I was happy, i knew that we would have two kids and left it to GOD to decide when we should. Almost immediatly after finding out i went cold turkey off of the Lexapro and the Valium. The doc said i would have withdrawls and that even my family would be pretty miserable for that first month. But i didn't have any withdrawls..the menere's just flared up really bad. This went on through out my whole pregnancy putting me in and out of the hospital. I found out at 6months i had gestational diabetes. And at 34 1/2 weeks i went into labor i had a c-section later that day. Presley came into the world at 8lbs. 13 ounces. He was very sick. I got to kiss him once before they swept him away to the neonatal ICU where he would spend the first 6 1/2 weeks of his life. The details on this would take me an hour to write, but needless to say at 6 1/2 weeks old he got to come home and he is doing very well. The doctors say he will have no issues from what he has been through and we have nothing to worry about. He is now 12 lbs. 13 ounces, we call him "Bruiser", the nurses gave him this nick name in the hospital because compared to all the other tiny babies in there he looked like a giant! My kids are the world to me and it is them that have kept me going. I am recieving more natural treatment now for the Menere's disease and so far have not had any vertigo attacks in almost 2 1/2 months. PRAISE GOD!
Notice i did not mention GOD to much in the first bit of this LOOOOOOONG blog, (i promise they won't always be this long..) I guess i thought he wasn't there, like where did HE go? Why is HE letting me go through this? Doesn't HE know i cannot handle all of this? It seemed like everytime i turn around something else is happening, i live with a rain cloud over me and it was effecting my family as well. Don't even ask me why my husband is still with me! Even now after having our son home things are very, very hard. Peyton works in the oil industry for a company called Smith International. A very respected company. For 4 years now he has excelled there. With the economy in distress they have had two major layoffs, he has managed to make it through but for 4 years he has worked 58-80 hours a week...they cut the remaining guys down to 40...now just 32. They lost there yearly pay increase and raised the cost of health insurance. He starts his second job this weekend but even working there part time will only equal up to what it would be if he was working 40 at Smith. SO when he gets his paycheck this Friday...it MIGHT cover our rent...everything else....not so sure how it will be handled.
When i was a little girl i watched my dad drive away as i sat on the front porch crying and begging my mom to love him. My mom allowed me to see him every other weekend. I knew he was an alcoholic but didn't know the extent. For the next 10 years i would watch him get drunk, pass out, beat his new wife up until both of them were bleeding and to tired to fight anymore. I was never scared though...i always felt a presence of peace. Even sitting in a corner with my ears covered up or yelling and crying for them to please stop, after the adrenelin passed, i could sleep in peace.
You see, through all of this, God was always there. He never left me, i left him. I ignored that peaceful feeling wondering how I could make things "ok". And so it goes that everything i have been through in my 24 years of life i am finally letting go and trusting completely in HIM. I do not know why things happen or even know HOW they will turn out but i know even if we lose our house, our car, our dignity...we still have each other and we still have our FAITH. GOD IS IN CONTROL. I truely believe everything happens for a reason..even if we can't see it at the time. Though my husband nor i have a very big family GOD has blessed us with the most amazing friends any family could ask for. And just recently we have found a new church family that leaves us anticipating going back every Sunday, every time to church doors are open for that matter! It has been a while since either one of us has felt that. We met at church and continued to go to that church for years only because we felt an obligation..we knew we should be at church but couldn't wait to get out and go to lunch! We are finding fullfillment in the LORD and searching for ways to please him.
My prayer is to pray through him and not just go to him at the end of the day but to talk about everything with him throughout the day. I want to be a better me. A better wife and a better mom. I worry about these things everyday but all the while my main concern should be to become closer to HIM, everything else will fall into place.
This has been the longest blog ever, ("LOL"). But this is the beginning...this is me....
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